


Getting Kinda Used to Being Someone You Love

by LurkerNoLonger



Series: Siren [3]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Dubious POV, Epilogue, F/M, Firsts, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Seriously...who knows who's head we're in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-20 02:16:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20667662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LurkerNoLonger/pseuds/LurkerNoLonger
Summary: ASirenepilogue. Rae and Finn experience different firsts – the good, the bad, and the sexy – of their relationship afterSirenandTuna Sandwich.





	Getting Kinda Used to Being Someone You Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is fluffy. And dramatic. And it contains an embarrassing attempt at smut. But most of all, it’s long over due. Apologies all around. Thank you so much to all those who have inquired about this, and cheered me on in the process. You're all lovely. x
> 
> Since this is part of the series it may help to have a refresher, so please find the four chapters of _Siren_ and the Tuna Sandwich ficlet on my profile.
> 
> And you already know where the title is from. Lewis Capaldi, ya’ll.

Finn can't keep his hands to himself. If Rae is within reach, he has to do just that. Otherwise his palms get itchy, and he feels a little antsy, and his eyes follow her anyway so he figures touching is the natural next step. Plus she's his now, _officially_, so he's allowed. Finn takes full advantage of the fact that he gets to hold her waist, or twist his fingers in her hair, or (his favourite as of late) tuck a hand in the back pocket of her jeans. Rae always shakes her head a bit at that one, embarrassed by the public intimacy, but Finn revels in it, even gives her arse a bit of a squeeze through the denim, which earns him a pouty glare and a playful smack to his chest or arm – and he enjoys those touches too.

He's always the one to reach out first, (because he's eager and she tends to be shy) so the way Rae moves to grab his hand as soon as they're out of the car, combined with the slight tremble of her fingers lets him know how nervous she is.

“Alright?” Finn gives her hand a squeeze.

“Yeah, just...first time meeting your friends. S'intimidating.”

“They're gonna love you,” Finn reassures, while swallowing down the urge to add '_because I do_'. A week since reuniting is too soon for that. Rae merely gives him a shaky smile so he leans forward to capture her lips between his own, and that's definitely the best kind of touch.

*

An hour later Rae is sat between Chop and Archie, his two so-called friends, who are regaling tale after embarrassing tale of teenage Finn. He's mildly annoyed; at their stories and the fact that Rae is so far away, but she's almost in tears from laughing and has the boys in the same state when she tells them (in vivid detail) how Finn had nearly bruised his knob from falling off the bed the other night.

It all feels so natural that Finn knows that even if he didn’t, they’d love Rae anyway. To any stranger looking in, it’d be unbelievable that this is their first meeting; Rae fitting in so perfectly at this pub, with his mates, in his life, that he's more than happy to let them take the mick. He's even happier when she nips to the loo and Archie sends him a fond and knowing smile, before nudging his foot under the table.

“She's a keeper, Finn.”

“Yeah mate, don't screw this one up,” Chop agrees, swinging an arm around Finn's shoulders. “Think I like her better than you. Reckon if I have to choose sides, you're shit outta luck!”

Finn play punches Chop in the stomach which earns him an exaggerated “oof” and a headlock complete with a noogie. By the time Rae is back, Finn’s hair is more than mussed and all three boys are out of breath from wrestling and laughter. Rae had apparently made a pit stop at the bar, as she has four more pints on a tray which she sets down with a shake of her head.

“I walk away for five minutes!”

“Guess you can’t ever leave us again then, 'ey Raemundo?” Chop grins up at her with a wink, before taking a swig off his beer, and Finn wonders how this complete bellend could read his mind.

Rae blushes beautifully before carding a hand through Finn’s hair, re-situating his barnet. “Don’t plan to.”

\---

“This is ridiculous!”

Finn huffs grumpily from his spot on Rae’s bed, his ankles crossed and his hands tucked behind his head. He’s aiming for nonchalance, but really he has to keep his limbs trapped to stop himself from unpacking all the stuff Rae's just placed in her suitcase. “S’not! It’s important. Say it again.”

“Been calling it for over a month, Finn. You know I know it!”

“Then it shouldn’t be a problem for you to say it again.”

Rae rolls her eyes, stuffing more clothes into her overnight bag before moving back to rifle through her wardrobe. “I find you _incredibly_ irritating right now.”

Finn sits up, his face set with seriousness. “Rachel Earl, say it again.”

Rae turns to him then, hands on her hips and a scowl on her lips. “How dare you full name me!”

Finn gets up from the bed and threads his hands through her arms, circling her waist. “Say.” He plants a kiss right below her ear. “It.” Another smacking smooch, on the opposite side. “Again.” he finishes, playfully nipping at her pouting bottom lip before sucking it into his mouth. Rae's stubbornness is undeterred by his affection, and Finn frowns when she doesn't reciprocate. Instead her hand grips at the collar of his shirt, pushing him from her to look him square in the eyes.

“I'll only be gone six days.”

“You say that like it's short!” Finn pulls away from her and flops back on the bed.

“It is! And I don't need it memorized. Have it written down, don’t I?”

“What if you lose it?”

“Then you don't hear my tune suggestions for a few days. I know you rely heavily on my music knowledge, but I think you can survive on your crap reggae for a bit.” Rae snorts at her own joke, turning back to the closet.

“M'being serious Rae,” Finn mutters darkly.

The emotion in his voice confuses her and she looks over to search that unfairly beautiful face that she can usually read so easily, but he's staring resolutely at the ceiling. Rae drops the jumpers she'd been holding aloft in favour of laying down next to him. She smooths a hand over his chest, swears she feels his heart beating a bit too fast. “What’s this about, really?”

Keeping his eyes trained on the stucco above them, Finn brings his fingers up to draw slow circles on the back of her hand, letting her touch ease away some of the tension while he tries to arrange his words just right. He’s quiet, like he’s giving away a deep secret, when he finally speaks up. “Look it's just...this is the first time we're gonna be apart from each other since the fire, innit? And it...I hated that, Rae. Not being able to see you, talk to you. I really fucking hated that. Just...don't like when you're gone.”

  
There's a pregnant silence as Rae's gone completely mute next to him. Finn’s not even sure if she’s still breathing, and it makes his chest feel tight. Her hand is frozen against him and, though she is unmoving, her stillness has poured dread down his throat, settling deep in his gut. He worries he's said too much, freaked her out by his unadulterated attachment. If he's honest he wouldn't blame her, because even he is freaked out by it. He's irreversibly overwhelmed by her, but he doesn't want it any other way. Finn opens his mouth to back peddle, reel his confession back in so she won't pack up the rest of her things and never come back, but then her palm comes up to cup his face and tilt his head towards hers.

“0-2-0-7-9-4-6-0-9-6-5” Rae recites his phone number quickly, each digit brushing against the shell of his ear.

Finn never knew a series of numerals could make his temperature rise, but from her it's thrilling. Rae gently bites at his earlobe and it makes him tingle from head to toe and grin unnaturally wide. He turns so he can wrap an arm around her middle and stuff his face in the crook of her neck. “Fucking finally! Was that so hard?”

“Have I told you how cute you are, Finnley? Even when you're irritating.” Rae’s voice is teasing, maybe even a little smug, and he knows she's felt his smile against her throat.

Finn laughs, kissing her chin. “Could say the same about you, girl.”

\---

“Missed you,” Finn repeats between kisses. “Fuck, missed you so much.”

Rae's been back in town for a total of 15 minutes and Finn's had her pinned to the cushions of his sofa for 14 of them.

“Mmhmm,” Rae agrees with a hum, pushing him back until he's fully seated, moves her kisses to his neck before straddling his lap. “Haven’t stopped thinking about our phone call.”

She rolls her hips as emphasis and he wonders for the millionth time if this will be the moment she kills him, because the phone call she’s referring to happens to be the same phone call he’s wanked to for the last three days. They’ve done a lot, but they haven’t done _that_. As much as Finn has wanted it. He was too nervous to ask, too careful to just do it without any prompting, too worried it would be offensive or degrading somehow, because he loves this girl. But also, he loves this girl...all of her. Especially her breasts.

Finn groans as he remembers the way her voice had sent his mind reeling from missing her, and sent his hands wandering from, well, _missing_ her. Just her tiny, tinny statement that she was in bed in nothing but a dressing gown after a bath had him aching to touch all that faraway skin. Her airy giggle and “what are you thinking about, Finnley?” bringing him to admit in whispered confessions and breathy moans just what he was thinking; all the the things he wanted to do to her, with her. Things that he’s able to do now that she’s back in touching distance.

His hands grip her rear, pulling her to rub against him before he goes for the band of her leggings. Rae shakes her head, pulling his hands away and holding them above their heads as she continues to kiss him senseless, her tongue pushing across his as she grinds over his lap once more. Rae brings his hands to the hem of her shirt, and he doesn’t need anymore urging to pull it up and over her head, smiling at her face after it’s appeared from underneath the material. She’s so beautiful, with kiss swollen lips and hair standing up from static, her smile suddenly shy under his stare.

“I want to try something, okay?” Rae whispers, and Finn nods so vigorously that they nearly bump heads. It’s cute, and eager, and Rae can’t help but kiss him one more time before sliding off his lap to land on her knees between his legs. She’s only in her jeans and an unsupportive lacy bra. She’s sure she’s muffin topping all over the place, but when she looks up at him she doesn’t care, because Finn is watching her; predatory, lust drunk, and tracking. She’s not sure she’ll ever get used to that look. That pure, unadulterated, want all aimed at her.

Rae strokes her hands up and down his chest, feels his peaked nipples under her palms and his shirt. His hands are fisting the edge of the sofa, but he just waits. Just lets her touch. Like she’s allowed to do whatever she wants to him and he’d thank her for it.

Finn sits, wordlessly inviting her into all his personal space and it’s crazy. Crazy and sexy, and she’s so turned on by so very little, because Finn’s hands, Finn’s face, and Finn’s waiting are all ways of letting her know that he’s completely hers for the taking. And, _God_, does she want to take.

Rae smooths her hands down his abdomen slowly, her eyes never leaving his. She makes to reach for his belt, but at the last second swoops her hands under his shirt to move over the bare skin of his stomach instead. Finn grunts, and who knew that sound could be disappointed and approving all at once. She scratches over his abs lightly, biting her bottom lip, and that’s all it takes for Finn to practically rip his own shirt off tossing it who knows where behind him. He’s looking down at the pink tracks her nails have left and Rae swears she sees his eyes darken. Still, he waits.

Rae raises up a little to mouth at his chest, licking over one nipple and then the other. Finn exhales hard, his head hitting the back of the couch and his hands come up to her shoulders. His touch is light though, like he doesn’t want to influence any of her actions. She keeps kissing, sucking occasionally, trying to distract from her hands fumbling with his jeans. She may be leading this, but she’s still nervous. She eases his belt open, lowers his zipper, and _fuck_, he’s hard. So hard she’s sure it hurts trapped in denim and cotton. Her hands automatically move to soothe over his clothed dick, feeling over every ridge. Finn’s knuckles turn white and she can’t help it then, pulling his jeans and boxers down roughly as Finn lifts up to help her rid them.

He’s glorious. His hard nipples and hard cock all exposed, all for her. His tip is leaking and her mouth waters to taste, to swallow, to suck until she has it all. But no, she’s trying something. She’s trying to make all his phone fantasies real ones, because they happen to be hers too.

Rae strokes one hand up his thigh and off, reaching for Finn’s hand still holding on to the cushions. Looking at him through her lashes she brings his palm up to her mouth and licks. Long, filthy, licks that get his hand nice and slick. She sucks two of his fingers in her mouth, a brief preview, before letting go and giving him one, gruff instruction. “Touch yourself.”

Finn grabs his cock immediately, squeezing before giving several sharp tugs. She’s mesmerized for a second before remembering her goal, grabbing his wrist to reprimand. “Uh uh, Finnley. Just make it wet for me.” Finn groans but does as she asks, slowing his strokes, but moving over his head once to collect the beading arousal. His cock is shining with her spit and his precome - _fuck that would feel so good sliding inside_ \- and Rae has to remind herself internally to be patient. She moves his hand back to its spot on the couch, silently telling him to hold on. Rae leans forward a bit, positioning, and then slips his cock under the band of her bra and between her breasts. She’s glad he’d gotten it that wet as it slides easily in and up.

“Fuck, Rae!” Finn practically shouts.

It’s a little awkward, but she holds her boobs with both hands and shifts up and down to stroke his dick. She’d thought about this the entire journey home, and she hopes it’s good for him. Hopes the slight scratch of lace, and the wet slide against her soft skin is as sexy as she imagined.

Finn curses again, his hands coming up to pull at his own hair like he’s losing his damn mind, and _good_. This is what she wants. This is what makes it good for her. “What Finn? Tell me,” she breathes, continuing her orchestrated moves.

“Naked. I want you naked.” He sounds almost possessed, like it’s taking everything to hold back and not rip her clothes off like he did his own. Like he’s been waiting to say those words since she left a week ago. Rae drops her boobs, reaching back to unclasp the bra and lets it fall off her shoulders. She manoeuvres her arms so it falls completely, landing on top of Finn’s thighs, and quickly brings her hands back to hold her bare tits.

“Holy fuck, yes!” Finn says, dark and impossibly sexy, as he starts to move his hips to thrust. The drag is a little harder now from friction, so Rae lowers her chin to drop some saliva over them. “Oh God...” it sounds almost pained but then, “You’re so fucking sexy,” Finn grits through his teeth, and then his hands are on her like he can’t help but touch; needs it or it isn’t happening. They’re on her arms, her cheeks, then in her hair - gripping - and she remembers that she’s all his too.

Finn’s leaning forward, curled over so he can touch her without pulling his cock out from where it’s snug between her breasts. Without moving her head away, she looks up at him, waiting. Rae thinks he’s going to guide her, but his eyes are flicking back and forth between her face and his cock and it seems he’s determined to let her take the proverbial reins. He looks almost feral with excitement, like he can’t wait to see what she’ll do next and fuck, it’s impossibly sexy to feel this in control, this powerful.

She lowers her mouth, close enough to waft a hot breath over the top of his cock but not close enough to touch, and Finn actually whimpers, his fingers tightening. He’s still moving his hips, so she lowers further so with every thrust the head of his cock bumps against her slightly parted lips. She looks up, to make sure he’s watching before she opens her mouth and lets it hit her tongue on the next stroke. Finn growls at the contact, moaning at every feel of her wet tongue against his slit. Rae makes an O with her mouth, letting him fuck into it, trying to create a quick suction every time he brushes past. She brings her fingers together over her breasts, catching her nipples between, pinching them, and letting out an aroused noise of her own.

She’s wet, so fucking wet, and she needs to touch herself or she might pass out. She’s pulls one of Finns hands free from her hair to replace one on her breast, and reaches down and into her waistband to rub at her clit. It feels fucking amazing; a finger inside of her, Finn’s cock rubbing against her chest, his balls slapping just below, as his tip fucks shallowly in her mouth, one of his hands tangled in her hair while the other pinches her nipple. It’s overwhelming, but not new. Finn always makes her feel this good, this desired. He’s panting out harsh _fuck_s, and _yes_es, and _Rae Rae Rae_. Actually, they’re both making absurd noises, completely lost to lust.

Finn looks down, taking in the obscene scene and releases her breast, both hands now holding her face as he thrusts deeper into her mouth, coming. He groaning loudly as he paints her tongue, some falling onto her once pale chest that is now hand print reddened and cock chafed. Rae rubs herself quicker, and comes too easily for barely being touched, her eyes clenching shut. She moans, guttural and unabashed as her thighs close around her own hand.

She feels weak, so she lets herself wilt, leaning limply on his leg. She thinks she could probably fall asleep right here, still on her knees and covered in cum. But before she can even attempt to recover, Finn is grabbing her face, kissing her, quick whispered thank yous in between. She doesn’t understand, doesn’t get how he has the will, how his brain is still working when it felt like she’d just been emptied. It was always hard for her to understand his level of his want.

Finn kisses her deeper, his touch so gentle now. “Did I tell you I really, really, _really_ missed you? You know that right? That I missed you like mad?” he asks, so sweet and so sure, and not at all like the primal creature she’d just unleashed. He smiles, that soft dimpled one that crinkles his eyes, and Rae thinks she needs to learn to get used to this.

“You too, Finnley. You too.”

\---

They haven’t spoken in days. At first Finn was okay, his anger at the situation holding back his missing her, but now it’s been far too long. He’s itching to call her, show up at her job, maybe even sit outside her flat and wait, but he doesn’t know what he would say. After that night his mouth and, well, everything was feeling pretty empty.

It’s the first real fight in their seven month relationship, and it was bad enough he’s not even sure if there will ever be a second. That thought alone makes him hastily pick up the phone and dial, but there’s no answer. Finn’s not surprised at that. He’s grown to learn that Rae is good at disappearing; seems easy for her to hide away and forget him for a bit. Usually it’s a just a day or two, when she says she has some stuff to do or errands to run. He’s not a clinger, knows everybody needs their personal space, but the way she avoids his eyes – and even worse his lips – is what gives her away that it’s something more than that. It’s completely frustrating; she goes ghost and Finn worries he’s done something wrong, maybe said the wrong thing as he’s known to do. Which in this case, he had.

*

It was late on a Sunday. Finn had just finished a block of 12 hour shifts so, besides rushed chippy meals and two minute good mornings or good nights over the phone, they hadn’t properly spent time together. They were cuddled up on the sofa, nodding off to whatever was on the telly when Rae grabbed his wrist to check his watch.

“I should go.”

“Why? S’early.” Finn tightened his hold around her waist, eyes still closed.

“Early morning. It’s half past midnight. I’ve got work at eight.”

“Just stay here tonight.”

“Can’t. Haven’t got any clothes.”

“So wear mine.”

“Yeah my boss’ll really appreciate it when I show up in your teenage ‘Grunge is Dead’ tee.” Rae starts to get up.

“Oi!” Finn scolds with a laugh, before he wraps both legs around her to keep her in place. He can’t help but look at her fondly. Even when she’s taking the piss he loves her. “It’s vintage.”

“Right, forgot how much of a fashion icon you were.” Rae grins through an eye roll, pinching at his bicep. “C’mon. Release me, you giant squid.”

“Nuh uh. Haven’t seen ya properly in days. You’re staying ‘ere with me,” Finn mumbles, closing his eyes again and leaning back so Rae lies on top of him.

“Fine,” Rae huffs in exaggerated defeat. “I’ll stay and wear one of your unlimited flannels. You’re like one of them bloody cartoon characters who’s wardrobe is full of the exact same outfit!”

She’s grumbling, but even without looking Finn knows Rae’s just teasing. He’s seen her sneak a few of those very flannels into her bag on more than one occasion. He’s never called her out though. In truth he loved to know that she wore his things like they were her own (and he did have too many). Really, he wanted all his things to be hers too.

“Y’know...you could just leave stuff here.” Finn peeks one eye open to gauge her reaction, quickly shutting it again when her head snaps to look over at him. He wonders if he imagined the wariness on her face.

“Erm...like what?”

This time he knows for sure he’s not imagining how she’s stiffened in his arms. He keeps his eyes closed, voice light to come off natural, and not at all like the ball of nerves his insides have twisted themselves into. He’s been wanting to ask her this for months, but never knew how. This seemed like a good enough opportunity.

“I dunno. Maybe…everything?”

Rae untangles herself, sitting up fully. “What?”

“Move in with me, girl.” His eyes are open now, wide and waiting like his arms and heart, eager for her to accept this offer, accept him.

Rae doesn’t – or can’t – respond. She looks shocked and Finn scrambles to plead his case.

“Look, I know you don’t really like your new flat. You just moved in there ‘cause you had to after the fire. You’re always banging on about the loud neighbours and the useless heating. Besides if you’re not over here, I’m at yours anyway so it’ll practically be the same.”

Finn cringes a bit. His reasons had seemed more sound in his head, more romantic; less about logic or practicality and more about wanting to spend every possible moment together. He knows he’s failing to convince her when she moves further down the sofa, away from him. He quickly closes the gap between them, his knee knocking hers.

“It’s just...it’s too much time apart, Rae. Sometimes we go days with our schedules! I wanna be able to see you when I get in at random hours. Or pick up an Oasis shirt and not know if it’s mine or yours. Or kiss you in our kitchen while I cook us eggs and soldiers for your breakfast and my dinner. I wanna lie in bed with you while we talk about our days instead of it being over the phone.” Finn’s not sure if it’s too much or not enough, but it’s all true and more honest than he’s ever been.

“Finn, that’s...I – I don’t know. Isn’t it a bit...quick?”

“Quick? No! I mean, we’ve been together for months.”

“That’s not that long.” Rae is quiet as she says it, eyes cast down to her fidgeting hands.

Finn is stunned. Stunned and frustrated. He wants this, has wanted this for a while. This next step had seemed so right in his head, but here she was downplaying their time together. “What are you saying?”

“Nothing!” Rae finally meets his eyes, panic set in her own, but Finn’s unsure if it’s still at his suggestion or at the steel in his voice. “Just that, we’re still getting to know each other and I don’t know...what if we change our minds.”

“‘Change our minds’? The hell does that mean, Rae? You planning to chuck me?”

“Finn - ”

“No, Rae! I’m sitting here asking you to move house with me and you’re telling me you might change your mind about us?!”

“That’s not what I said.”

“That’s exactly what you said!! But maybe it’s not what you meant. Maybe what you mean is that you’re not serious about us.”

“Finn, come on. You’re putting words in my mouth.”

“Rae,” Finn starts exasperated. “Why do I always feel like I'm in this more than you are?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean since the first time we said 'I love you' you've barely said it!!”

“What?! Are you counting?!”

This wasn't the point of the conversation, but it's another thing that has been nagging at his heart and brain and now that he's started Finn can't stop. He actually has been counting. In the four months since he’d finally, _finally_, confessed it to her and she said it back, she'd only repeated it a dozen or so times, while he tells her daily. She usually just kisses him as a response, or says “you too”, but the actual 'I love you' has been few and far between. Finn had been okay with it; figured she liked to show it instead of say it, figured as long as she felt it he didn't need to hear it every day. But now her hesitance about moving in has pushed all those un-returned sentiments to the foreground.

“Did you even mean it, or did you change your mind about that too?” Finn accuses, looking up to see the tears and hurt in Rae's eyes, but can't bring himself to feel bad for questioning it. He needs to know because apparently she has been questioning a lot of things about them.

“Of course I mean it!! How could you even ask me that?”

“Well when my girlfriend doesn't want to live with me it makes it pretty fucking hard to believe! And you're always going off, disappearing! I don't hear from you for days! What the hell is that about? And don't even say it's nothing. I know you, Rae. You're pushing me away. Deny it!”

Rae only shakes her head, wipes at her wet cheeks.

Finn takes a measuring breath, bringing his voice down to it's regular tone. “Do you want to live together?”

“I...I don't know.”

Finn scoffs. “Right.”

They sit in stony silence for a few moments, tension pressing heavily down on them, until Rae stands offering Finn one of her hands. “It's late. Can we just go to bed and talk about this tomorrow?” Her voice is shaky and he can tell she's holding back more tears.

“Maybe you should just go back to yours.” Finn looks ahead, avoiding her eyes and her hand.

“Finn,” Rae pleads, her voice breaking.

“I can't be around you right now, Rae.” It's harsh, but it's true. His ego is bruised, but the hurt is worse, and he can't sleep next to her knowing she doesn't want that every night.

“Finn, please.”

“Just leave, Rae.” Finn sets his jaw, keeps his focus straight ahead, pretends he doesn't hear her sob as she rushes out the flat.

*

It was definitely the wrong thing to say, because telling Rae to leave apparently meant ‘leave for good’ and that’s the exact opposite of what he wanted. Now it’s been three days and he doesn’t think he can survive a fourth.

The more he thinks about it the more his insides churn. He can’t lose her; not now, not ever. Just the idea of living a Rae-less life distresses him, body kicking in to fight or flight. But for Finn, both instincts are pointing in the same direction. Fly to Rae, and fight to keep her. He grabs his jacket, stumbling over himself as he scrambles for the door. If he goes now, he can catch her before she goes to bed. Fuck that. If she’s asleep he’ll bang on the bloody door until she answers and beg her to forget “leave” and remember she said she’d stay and wear his clothes.

His hands are shaking so bad he’s struggling to lock the door behind him, and in the corner of his eye he sees someone standing near by. Probably a neighbour, one he’s willing to mow down to get out of there quicker. He turns and the adrenaline coursing through him drops to the ground along with his keys.

It’s Rae. Her hair is a mess and she looks sad but determined, and his chest aches because he just knows she’s here to end it all. He wants to yell her name, scream how happy he is that she came back, maybe just ‘I love you’, but as usual his brain and tongue can’t handle his heart, so his body does the talking instead. In two long strides he’s wrapped her up in a vice like embrace, his body pressing and pleading to hers. The gesture brings him back to the cafe, days after the fire, when they were whole and happy and he hates that he ever lost sight of that.

Her arms stay stiff at her sides and that empty feeling is back, because if she doesn’t touch him she won’t feel how badly he’s burning for her. He’s about to slide down to the floor, weigh her feet down with questions so she can’t walk away. _What happened? What have I done? Why don’t you want me? Stay? Stay? Stay?_ But then her hands are at his cheeks, gripping his face to look at her, and she might as well be holding his entire life in her palms.

“I want that too.” Finn’s still speechless but his face must be asking all his silent questions because Rae continues. “The eggs and the shirts and the talking in bed. I want it all. I want you.”

Finn’s so exuberant, so relieved, that he doesn’t even need to hear anything else. She wants him and he wants her, and the door is still open so he pulls her inside to finally devour her whole like he wanted to all those months ago. He goes in for the kill, lips swooping for hers. He needs to kiss her because it’s the only balm for the burning and minutes ago he was afraid he’d never feel it again, but then she’s pushing him away at the chest. There are tears in her eyes and he doesn’t understand how he made her sad without saying a single word. Finn grips at her elbows, probably too tight, but he never could keep up with her changing tides and he’s drowning right now.

“But Finn...you need to know – you have a right to know that getting that means getting the rest of me. Not just the flirting and the fun and the awesome music. It means bad days too, and there will be a lot of those. Days where I’m not okay and I fall into this gaping hole of feeling like shite, or worse feeling like nothing. Days when I hate myself more than I thought I could the day before. Days when not even you, or music, or food can help me.

“And I never let you see those days, Finn! I’ve been saving you from those days! From me. That’s where I disappear to! That’s when I pull away. Because if I’m around all the time...if we live together – I’m afraid you’ll see too much and realize that’s all I am. Too much. Too much baggage, too much madness, too much work. When I said ‘change our minds’, I meant that you might change yours. But I’m not changing my mind Finn. I’m not! I’m just...scared.”

“Rae, I-”

“No Finn, I need to get this out! I know I’m terrified, but I also know that I want you! And of bloody course I want to live with you! And you know what else!? I. LOVE. YOU. So fuck you for thinking otherwise!! Because I do! Like...a stupid amount!!! I think it all the time, and I meant it every time, but have you seen yourself? You’re you and I’m just me and…I never felt like I could say it first. It’s like I needed to hear it from you to remind me that this whole thing was real and not some elaborate dream. Like maybe I’ve been in a coma for the last seven months since the fire, and just imagined this entire relationship in some alternate subconscious universe because you’re this unbelievably kind, funny, caring, fit guy in the fucking fire brigade and I’m just...just…”

Rae finally pauses her tirade, tears leaving cooling tracks through the fire and fear burning her cheeks. She takes a breath and it seems to deflate her completely. She’s suddenly speechless and Finn understands, because he’s never been able to explain her either. Rae has always been beyond words.

“My turn?” Finn asks gently. Rae nods, allowing him to take her hand and lead her to the couch. They sit facing each other, knees touching, both of them looking at Finn’s hands clasping both of hers.

“Rae, when I tell you I love you, that means all of you. Good days, bad days...I just want all our days to be together. If you need space, I’ll give you that. And if you feel like shite, I’ll be there to tell you all the reasons you’re not. And maybe you think I can’t help you...and maybe I can’t...but I’m sure as hell going to try. The only time I’ve ever been worried about us was when you were pushing me away. I don’t need you to ‘save me’, girl. I need you to let me in.” Again, it’s the most honest he’s been, the most earnest and important words he’s probably ever said, but it felt easy. Everything felt easier with her.

Rae takes a deep shuddering breath, squeezing Finn’s hands. “You’ve been making some very grand speeches lately. Think this is the most I’ve ever heard you speak.”

“And that was about par for you...” Finn teases back, a smile already beaming on his face.

“You cheeky -”

“No, I liked it. I love to hear you bang on.” They lock eyes at that, a soft moment that feels like a decision, another happy beginning. Rae scrunches her nose at him, a playful, young expression, and when Finn returns it he knows they’re going to be alright.

Rae exhales again, leaning back on the couch emotionally exhausted, and scoffs at herself. “I’m sorry about all this. I’m such a mess.”

Finn shakes his head, pulls at her arm and outer thigh to get her to straddle his lap. She settles comfortably, resting all her delicious weight on him, her hands coming to rest on his shoulders. He runs his hands over the soft denim on her hips.

“Everyone has stuff. Makes you human, not a mess.”

“But I am though! I mean it took me three days to plan that speech, and instead of it being some romantic gesture, I come over here and yell at you instead.” Rae groans at herself as she feels a new wave of embarrassment, letting her forehead drop against his shoulder. Finn can’t help but chuckle, his arms moving to wrap around her.

“It was very romantic, girl. I wouldn’t of wanted it any other way.” He brings his hand up to stroke her hair, presses a kiss to her temple, before whispering in her ear, “How about you yell to the neighbours ‘cross the road about how much you love me? Not sure they heard you.”

Rae moves back to glare at him, playfully punching at his chest, and Finn bursts out a hearty laugh. “I don’t know why you’re laughing right now, Finnley Nelson! This is serious.”

“I’m being very serious, Rachel Earl.” Finn bites his bottom lip to try to conceal his cheeky smile. It doesn’t work though. He’s just too damn happy.

“Finn, I mean it! I have a lot of bad habits.” Rae insists, sitting back on his knees and crossing her arms, huffily.

Finn’s not having any of it. He pulls at her hands until they’re back in his and smiles up at her. “Go on, then.”

Rae rolls her eyes, gets that determined expression that means she’s about to try and prove her point. He loves that face. “Me moving in means...experiencing my morning breath every day.”

Finn just shrugs. “Reckon mine’s worse.”

“We only listen to my superior music,” she counters.

“We have all the same albums!” Finn shouts, because he knows she knows that’s a ridiculous argument.

“Mascara smeared on all the mirrors.”

“That’s what Windolene is for.”

“Water all around the bath.”

“Since I plan to join you, that’s both our fault.”

“My crumbs in the bed.”

“I’ll be your goujon.”

They had been trading problems and solutions quickly, but Rae pauses at that, laughter bubbling in her voice. “You what?!”

“You know, roll around in the crumbs...get breaded.” Finn flips his palm over in the air, demonstrating. Rae gives him an incredulous look, a confused but playful glint in her eye, before falling into hysterics. She’s full on laughing, leaning into him and shaking with mirth. Finn deflates against the back of the couch for a second as Rae continues to snicker at his ridiculous pun, before popping back up to attack her ticklish sides in retaliation. “Alright, alright! Well moving in with me means jokes like that!” he admits over her laughter. “But I don’t care, Rae. I don’t care about any of that stuff. I know you’re not perfect, no one is. You’re real and...right. And mine. I want you. All of you, all of the time. Crumbs and all.”

Rae had calmed at his words, now moving to wipe away stray tears on her cheeks. He’s unsure if they’re tears of laughter or tears of emotion, but as long as they’re happy ones he doesn’t mind. She smiles at him, full and true, before leaning forward. “I love you, you lil’ goujon,” she admits, playfully biting at his nose.

“That a yes, then? You’ll move in?” Finn raises his eyebrows along with his hope.

“Suppose,” Rae shrugs nonchalantly.

They move towards each other simultaneously, lips and tongues meeting in that familiar thrilling way. To Finn it’s the same as the first, fifth, hundredth kiss; all consuming and completely, utterly, perfect.

He pulls away, tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, nuzzles into her neck before asking, “So...you really planned that whole coma-induced alternate universe thing?”

“I hate you.” Rae deadpans, but when she leans in to kiss him again it feels a lot like love.

\---

“Rae?” Finn shouts as he closes the front door behind him.

“Bedroom!”

Finn walks towards the back of the flat, finding Rae bent over a pile of clothes and their corresponding hangers. He leans against the door jamb, letting himself watch her for a second as she continues to add items to their shared closet. “Got you somethin’.” He lets the orange bag swing from side to side on his finger, knowing she’d recognize it from their favourite record shop.

“Is that new music, Finnley?” Rae smiles, abandoning her task immediately.

“Maybe.” He flops back on to the part of the bed closest to the door (‘my side’ he happily calls it) putting his left arm out for her to lie on. She settles next to him, already reaching for his surprise. Finn holds it up and out of her reach, cheekily leaning his face towards hers until she gives him a proper hello kiss. He gets lost in the feel of her mouth on his, her palm on his chest, her body in _their_ bed, until he feels her snatching the bag out of the hand that he let lower during their snogging. He chuckles, dropping his head back against the pillow. “Not fair, distracting me like that. Using those lips for evil.”

“Mmm, we both know they’ve been used for much more wicked activities,” Rae hums saucily, placing a wet kiss to his neck before leaning back. “Now, what’s the occasion?” she asks eagerly, clutching the bag to her chest lest he try to take it away again.

“Just wanted to celebrate. First album as roomies.” Finn beams at her excitement, tipping his chin at her as a go ahead. He watches, brimming with his own eagerness as she opens it, laughing at the immediate and comical way her face drops into a scowl as she holds the record away in disgust. “What? I thought _Spaceman_ was your favourite song?”

“That’s it. I’m moving out.” Rae tosses the Babylon Zoo to the foot of the bed and attempts to roll away, but Finn grabs the back of her jumper pulling her back towards him, still laughing.

He pins her down to the bed, both of them giggling. “Oh no you don’t! You’re staying here, forever.”

Finn looks down at her smiling face, feeling so damn full and happy. They’re both breathing heavily, just staring into the others eyes. He leans down to kiss her, licking into her mouth deeply as Rae’s arms automatically wrap around his neck to pull him closer. They kiss for a long while, hands roaming and holding on.

When they pull away, Rae keeps their heads close, presses her forehead to his. With her eyes still closed, she whispers, “Are you sure?”

Finn looks at her, they’re so close that he can feel more than see how she’s scrunching her eyes closed; maybe against fear, or tears, or both. Her question is so vulnerable, almost broken, and Finn worries the part of Rae that doubts herself will always make her doubt him too. But he’s good at waiting, good at reassuring, good at making it through the fire as long as she’s the one waiting on the other side. He kisses between her brows, a promise, before giving her another burning truth.

“Since the first time I saw you.”

**Author's Note:**

> In case they weren’t clear, the firsts were:
> 
> \- First time meeting Finn’s friends. (One week after Tuna Sandwich.)  
\- First time away from each other since the fire. (One month after Siren.)  
\- First sexual experience of the dick betwixt breasts variety. Sorry, don’t know a nicer way of explaining a titfuck HAHAH! (After Rae’s six day family holiday.)  
\- First big fight. (Seven months into their relationship.)  
\- First time living together.  
\- First music for shared house.
> 
> Oh and for my fellow North Americans, a "goujon" is basically like a chicken or fish finger.
> 
> Initially I had this going on for another 5k words or so, but it already took so long and I just couldn’t find the motivation. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll come back to it. In case I don’t, and you’re interested, here’s the other firsts I was going to include:
> 
> *** THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR A POSSIBLE FIC THAT MAY NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY ***
> 
> \- First meal after engagement.  
\- First dance at their wedding.  
\- First sex post hospital.  
\- Was going to end very cheesily talking about their favourite first, their baby!


End file.
